I have been battling loneliness for the past several weeks. I have been trying to stuff it down, but we all know that doesn’t truly work. Actually, it usually makes things worse in the end.
Last weekend, I saw a picture of my long-time ex-boyfriend with his new wife. It brought up a lot of unresolved emotions, particularly about how I felt he strung me along for such a long time. We would go engagement ring shopping, and even opened a line of credit at a jewelry store, all to find out that it would never be our reality. It was devastating for me at the time because I genuinely thought he was going to be my husband. It also brought up the feeling of me being inadequate. Him and I just weren’t right for each other, and it wasn’t the right timing in either of our lives to get married. But I still had those toxic thoughts of me not feeling worthy enough for marriage to a Godly man, and if he didn’t want me, then who would?
I had to quickly shut those thoughts down. Those are lies from the enemy. That is how Satan wants us to feel, and then we are focused on ourselves and not on God. I am thankful that I was able to realize this somewhat quickly. When I started speaking truth over myself and shifting my focus back toward God, my emotional state was much better. I was in God’s Word trying to find something to make me feel better…not in a self-help type of way, but I just wanted to speak truth over my life. That is when God spoke to me so clearly.
Fast forward to this weekend. My childhood best friend got married. I am ecstatic for her, even though I don’t think she knows that. We haven’t spoken in years. But we follow each other on social media, and she seems so happy, so I am happy for her! But it seems like more and more of my friends are getting married. Not only did my childhood best friend get married this weekend, but three of my other friends did as well. For people who are counting, that is 5 weddings in the past two weeks. Ten people had their lives change forever and commit to each other in front of God, and I am so happy for all of them. Yes, even my ex-boyfriend. But it sometimes feels like I am being left behind.
I was leading a Bible study last week, so I was asking God to lead me to a passage for us to go over. Matthew 6:19-34 immediately came to mind, and I was already familiar with the passage, so I thought it would be a good idea. Little did I know, the passage was more for me than anyone else. I read through it a couple of times as I prepared for the study and the next day, I went over it with two different people. It doesn’t end there. The same passage was also posted on one of my friend’s Instagram stories that day. I just blew it off as a neat coincidence. It wasn’t until the next day that I realized God wanted to share something with me through those verses.
I had felt for several weeks that I should make a “Future Husband List.” This list isn’t so much about the superficial things I would like my husband to have as much as it is about the qualities I believe a Christian man should have in order to lead our future family. I made it so I would have those things written down for when I do get into a relationship, and I can look back on those things and not settle for just anyone (ex: he must be on fire for God and obedient to His Word). I was a little bit stuck, so I went to YouTube to watch some videos and make sure I didn’t leave anything important out. As I was doing this, I came across a Christian YouTuber called Hannah Williamson. She has been featured on one of my favorite YouTube channels several times, so I thought I would watch her video. Which verses was her video based on, you ask? None other than Matthew 6:19-21.
I stopped the video immediately to ask God what He wanted to speak to me through this passage. It wasn’t a coincidence that I had come across those verses that many times in just 2 days. This is what I felt He was saying to me through this passage (from God’s point of view):
1. Trying to find your husband or a man for your life is considered earthly treasure. It is not wrong for you to desire this, but when you stop focusing on Me, it becomes an idol for you and interferes with our relationship, as well as what I have for you in this season.
2. Stop worrying about finding your husband. You say you aren’t much of a worrying person, but you worry about getting married one day, and that falls under this category. I know all your needs and I will give them to you as you seek Me, seek to live righteously, and in My timing.
And who knows, maybe I don’t need a husband. Just because it is something I desire, doesn’t mean that it is God’s will for my life. He is the one who knows my needs, and I want to trust Him more in that area of my life. Either way, I stopped with the things I had been writing and surrendered everything to Him in that moment.
Even with God speaking these things into my life, I still can’t help but wonder if I will ever be in my friend’s figurative shoes. I want to be married to a God-fearing man one day, but I also want God’s will for my life. Does His will for me involve marriage in the future? I don’t know. I hope it does, but if it doesn’t, I need to ask myself if I am okay with that. Are my desires more important than God’s desires for my life? I don’t want them to be. I must stay in constant prayer about this. I want to be content in my singleness and learn more about God, myself, and the world around me. I want to learn how to love people the way Jesus does, and how to have compassion on those in need. I want to be able to let my guard down and trust the people around me and fully let them in. I want to be bold and courageous in my faith. These are my desires. What are yours?